Saturday, September 17, 2011

"...it just feels odd but not odd bad. kind of like trying to write with your left hand (if you're a righty) and come to find out your penmanship is actually prettier and better with your left hand than it ever was with your right." 
                                                                                                                                    ~rach

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

The Power of Goodness

I came across this last night on pinterest. Anyone who knows me, knows how hard it can be for me not to speak my mind. I love the saying "less is more" but seriously it's a hard motto to live by, especially these days. All the pain I'm dealing with, I can't speak of. All the joy and the new found happiness, I can't yet speak of. I guess the fact that I have joy and happiness, in and of itself, is the most important thing though.

As I was drifting off to sleep last night I was asked if I had had a good day. I answered immediately, without having to even think about it, "yes". I had enjoyed a wonderful afternoon and evening with my little family. I realized laying there in bed I could still feel the smile on my face and hear the laughter in my ears from our evening together. I realized that my heart was still warm from the love i felt from those three people. Then I remembered all the tears I had shed and all the bullshit that I had dealt with earlier in the day and I realized that none of that matter. The good had overshadowed the bad. The good was so much more important and so much more powerful that it had totally negated the bad.

Isn't that all that matters in life, that your good is more than your bad. That your love is more than your hate. That your joy is greater than your sorrow. Isn't that what's most important.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

coming soon to a blog near you!

It's been too long. I think it's time to break the silence!



Now I just have to decide where to start, hmmmm?

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Quote of the day

"I could really go for some form of ice cream you can drink through a straw…….or eat with a spoon……..or off a stick….the more I think about it the less picky I become…."

Monday, May 23, 2011

Thumbs up!

So I had this dream the other night about this guy that use to work in the cafeteria. We haven't used aliases in a while, let's call him Joe! (I'd forgotten how fun aliases were!) He was hoot! He was like that skinny, long haired, bad boy that you sort of wanted to get with but would never admit to your friends if you did. He was huge flirt with all the girls which made it all the more fun. So I’m at church, not necessarily my church but there are people milling around and we are in the kitchen area and I turn around and there is Joe cooking in the church kitchen. Except instead of having his hair pulled back into a pony tail and his hat on (the way I saw him every morning for the past 14 years) he had his hair down. It was so soft and shiny. And it cascaded around his shoulders in big waves. It shone. As if the sun were rising behind his head. I was trying to tell him how much we've missed him and I could see that he was saying something back to me but I couldn’t hear the words. All of a sudden my entire mind was consumed with the fact that Joe was the Messiah. Here standing in the church kitchen. All along Joe had been Jesus! He smiled at me and gave me the thumbs up and then walked away.....

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Do you?

Do you ever do things you know you shouldn't do?

The good thing is I never say "Boy I'm glad I didn't do that."

Friday, March 25, 2011

Memory loss

There are good and bad things about my recent memory loss. The bad are probably obvious and are harder for me to talk about. It's always hard to talk about our struggles or what we perceive as weakness. But i believe everything happens for a reason. We are put in situations that we are supposed to learn from. We are not given more than we can handle. If God brings us to it he will bring us through it. However you like to say it i feel like i have to gain something good from what I'm experiencing. Here are the positives:

-I can watch a movie & enjoy the whole thing. It's always been hard for me to sit still through a whole movie. I was always filing and sorting ideas in my head so it was like I was never paying 100% attention and i would get bored and distracted very quickly. We went to see "Paul" last weekend in the theater (which i might add cost us an arm & a leg but was worth every penny) and when it was over I realized that i had thought of nothing else, i merely enjoyed the show. The whole show. That was nice.
-I'm really letting go of the bad stuff. You know those reoccurring thoughts and memories that just pop into your head over and over? Don't be jealous, but I'm letting them all go! Like when you say "i wish i could forget that ever happened" i can do that now and there is some liberation in that. The less i think about something the fainter it gets.
-I focus more on personal conversations. In order to retain things i have to really hear what is being said so i don't try to plan my responses in my head anymore (you know you do that! while someone is talking you are already trying to decide what you are going to say in response. but on the other hand don't we all know people who should do more planning before they open their mouths? i know i do!), i just listen.

-The best thing is that I feel like i am absolutely 100% in the moment. I realized this while at a Session meeting at church the other day. (Of course i had to write down the words "100% in the moment" so that i wouldn't forget about the revelation later on). Maybe it's not new to a lot of people but it feels weird to me. Not weird bad just weird different. It's like I'll be going along and all of a sudden I realize, sometimes with a little panic, (like getting to work and realizing that i left the flat iron on, that kind of panic) that I've not been thinking about anything else. I'm so use to doing a million little things in my head it's sort of uncomfortable for me to be focused on just one thing.

Ok so having said all that did i just admit that I'm empty headed? Lol, because that's not what i mean to say. I guess I'm just trying to come to grips with having to go about things differently. It's not like i lost my right arm (Heaven forbid) and you can see me physically having to compensate for that lost mobility. Or clumsily having to learn to use my non dominant left arm (that is the perfect analogy). I've lost some, ok a lot, of my short term memory and I'm having to mentally compensate for that loss. You just can't see it, i internalize it completely. (Did i just offend people with missing limbs by comparing my trivial memory loss issue to a possibly traumatic event that caused them to lose an arm? sorry.)

Initially i was afraid that I'd lost some "substance" along the way (please refrain from any smart comments about any lack of substance before this). Like because I'm not over thinking or over planning or constantly cataloging ideas I'm less of something, though i don't know quite what. This is just something i have to accept, learn from and live with. I recently spent a lot of money to have one doctor tell me I'm just not paying attention. Swear to God he said blah blah blah"...not paying attention." I'm still pissed about that. I came really really close to telling him to go fuck himself. Like scarily close to saying those exact words. Out loud. In his office. I'm not normally an outwardly angry or belligerent person (At least not in public). I wonder if the memory loss is contributing to that. Maybe it's not really anger maybe it's just a new way of expressing myself. It would have certainly been an appropriate response to his blunt comment. Maybe i should embrace this new found enthusiasm for utter honestly at all cost!
Or not. Now where was i...

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Stockholm Syndrome: BBC's Top Gear

Stockholm Syndrome: Describes the behavior of kidnap victims who, over time, become sympathetic to their captors.

For the past few weeks, literally, every time I go into the tv room tom is watching a show called Top Gear on the BBC. I asked him mid last weekend how many episodes he had on the DVR (hoping for an end in sight) and he estimated it at 60. "No wait I watched two today so 58." At first I was annoyed. Over and over this show played while I worked on the laptop or tried to read a book. Over and over I said "can't we watch something else?" "I can't even understand them."

And then one day I found myself giggling at something I had overheard on Top Gear. Then I would occasionally find myself actually watching bits and pieces of the show. Today I actually said to Tom "no wait, rewind that so I can see it again".  I can only attribute this to Stockholm's Syndrome.

Last night we watched Jeremy Clarkson driving a Ferrari 599 GTO:
                 Reviving the GTO name on a road car? “Thats brave” Jeremy says. “Is like calling your 
                 infant son Jesus, you need to be fairly sure that he is going to grow up into something 
                special. Not a burglar”

As I blog Tom's playing the episode that chronicles their trip to Bethlehem. Terribly irreverent but incredibly funny. There is a lot of online buzz about how upset people were over this episode. Something about Stig being portrayed as the Holy infant. We haven't gotten that far so I won't comment on that, yet.

You know I can't resist funny. I'm in love with Jeremy Clarkson! 

Saturday, February 5, 2011

thirteen years ago....

I was sitting here debating going to bed when i thought i'd throw together a little Dan collage. Tomorrow my little boy turns 13. He will be a teenager. WTF? Seriously? Going through our albums and digital files brought back a lot of memories. I laughed a little remembering little Dan and his quirky ways and his enthusiasm for everything. And I cried a little, realizing how much i miss baby dan.

Here's to you Dan! Happy Birthday.

Eat these

You must make these. Next time i will use regular sized Hershey bars instead of the king size just because i would rather have a thinner layer of chocolate. And i think they were better the next day (or maybe i should have waited for them to cool completely, lol). You can get the recipe here.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

write it down. print it out. say it out loud.

a few weeks ago i woke up too early on a weekend morning and i started to think about all the things i had figured out in the past year. some were pretty mundane. others were life altering...since i have absolutely no short term memory i quickly plugged them all into my blackberry since i have absolutely no short term memory. (hee, hee.) You'll know which ones pertain to you, my friends. 

-if you say "eat (or drink) whatever you want" you must be prepared to clean it off the bathroom floor later.
-"motorcycles rot. ink is forever" juno
-It's fun to play along.
-a full life is more important than a full bank account.
-never under estimate the power of God.
-Don't be afraid to say "no thank you."
-always be polite & honest when you get pulled over.
-you can't have everything.  but it's ok to want things you know you can't have. (i struggle with this)
-Sometimes it's more exciting not going all the way.
-write it down. print it out. say it out loud.
-cotton candy has the same draw on me now as it did 30 years ago.
-just because it sounds like a lot of work doesn't mean it won't be worth it in the end.
-say what you mean. ask for what you want.
-"whats the worst that can happen? will it kill you? no." holly
-you should never spend money while laying in bed.
-The 30 year old ego is much more fragile than the 42 year old ego.
-don't take things personally.
-Blood is not thicker than water. Love is thicker than water though. :)
-friends>family (so make ur family ur friends.)
-BIGger is not alwyas better. (sometimes but not always).
-Frequently you have to wait for people to see things your way.
-miles can not separate friends.
-Less is more. (and oldie but still a goodie)
-It can take as long as 10 months for "the plan" to become clear.
-never compare apples to oranges.

Monday, January 10, 2011

never give up ?

nice in theory, however i don't find it all that practical. nope, i don't...... that's all i'm going to say about that.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

2011: simplify

less stuff. i need to use what i have.
no more magazines. no more books. period. no exceptions.
no ribbon or buttons.
more creativity.
more thinking outside of the proverbial box.
more me time.
no more over committing myself. my kids. my hubby.
more things. less faces.
more color less gray.
i'm going to learn to cook (more. better. you get the idea.)
(i.e. more Pioneer woman & Martha)
more action on my every growing lists.
more quilting.
less guilt when i have nothing to do. 
more grain.
less spending. more upcycling.
less unfinished.
more written word. less spoken word.

unknown photo credits

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Christmas 2010

This was probably the most relaxing holiday we've had in a very long time. I LOVED it! The weather was not so lovely friday morning but i was determined to get to Waterloo to do some non essential shopping. Thankfully Grandpa Kevin graciously offered to drive us (after we begged him).
Christmas morning we went over to Mom & Kevin's a had a fabulous meal. Then at 1pm we headed over to Bea & Genes and had a fabulous meal (do you see a trend here, lol). It was an absolutely perfect Christmas day.
New Years Eve was pretty low key. Tom has been terribly sick so we opted not to infect any of our friends & family. This was the first NYE we've been home alone in many years. I got up early and ran to walmart with mom to get the ingredients to make broccoli cheddar soup (from scratch. do you have any idea how long this takes? i didn't.) I got home and started that as well as buffalo chicken dip, chicken enchiladas and reese peanut butter brownies. Dan and i took some snacks over to Kev's garage and visited with him & Dean for bit. You can see Dan's contribution to the can pyramid below. I took both kids to the fountain for a malt. I put the finished edge on waverly's quilt (that i started in 2009). By the time Tom got home from work i was pooped! We had a little dinner, watched a movie and were in bed by 11:30pm.