Friday, March 25, 2011

Memory loss

There are good and bad things about my recent memory loss. The bad are probably obvious and are harder for me to talk about. It's always hard to talk about our struggles or what we perceive as weakness. But i believe everything happens for a reason. We are put in situations that we are supposed to learn from. We are not given more than we can handle. If God brings us to it he will bring us through it. However you like to say it i feel like i have to gain something good from what I'm experiencing. Here are the positives:

-I can watch a movie & enjoy the whole thing. It's always been hard for me to sit still through a whole movie. I was always filing and sorting ideas in my head so it was like I was never paying 100% attention and i would get bored and distracted very quickly. We went to see "Paul" last weekend in the theater (which i might add cost us an arm & a leg but was worth every penny) and when it was over I realized that i had thought of nothing else, i merely enjoyed the show. The whole show. That was nice.
-I'm really letting go of the bad stuff. You know those reoccurring thoughts and memories that just pop into your head over and over? Don't be jealous, but I'm letting them all go! Like when you say "i wish i could forget that ever happened" i can do that now and there is some liberation in that. The less i think about something the fainter it gets.
-I focus more on personal conversations. In order to retain things i have to really hear what is being said so i don't try to plan my responses in my head anymore (you know you do that! while someone is talking you are already trying to decide what you are going to say in response. but on the other hand don't we all know people who should do more planning before they open their mouths? i know i do!), i just listen.

-The best thing is that I feel like i am absolutely 100% in the moment. I realized this while at a Session meeting at church the other day. (Of course i had to write down the words "100% in the moment" so that i wouldn't forget about the revelation later on). Maybe it's not new to a lot of people but it feels weird to me. Not weird bad just weird different. It's like I'll be going along and all of a sudden I realize, sometimes with a little panic, (like getting to work and realizing that i left the flat iron on, that kind of panic) that I've not been thinking about anything else. I'm so use to doing a million little things in my head it's sort of uncomfortable for me to be focused on just one thing.

Ok so having said all that did i just admit that I'm empty headed? Lol, because that's not what i mean to say. I guess I'm just trying to come to grips with having to go about things differently. It's not like i lost my right arm (Heaven forbid) and you can see me physically having to compensate for that lost mobility. Or clumsily having to learn to use my non dominant left arm (that is the perfect analogy). I've lost some, ok a lot, of my short term memory and I'm having to mentally compensate for that loss. You just can't see it, i internalize it completely. (Did i just offend people with missing limbs by comparing my trivial memory loss issue to a possibly traumatic event that caused them to lose an arm? sorry.)

Initially i was afraid that I'd lost some "substance" along the way (please refrain from any smart comments about any lack of substance before this). Like because I'm not over thinking or over planning or constantly cataloging ideas I'm less of something, though i don't know quite what. This is just something i have to accept, learn from and live with. I recently spent a lot of money to have one doctor tell me I'm just not paying attention. Swear to God he said blah blah blah"...not paying attention." I'm still pissed about that. I came really really close to telling him to go fuck himself. Like scarily close to saying those exact words. Out loud. In his office. I'm not normally an outwardly angry or belligerent person (At least not in public). I wonder if the memory loss is contributing to that. Maybe it's not really anger maybe it's just a new way of expressing myself. It would have certainly been an appropriate response to his blunt comment. Maybe i should embrace this new found enthusiasm for utter honestly at all cost!
Or not. Now where was i...